But what was the question? What choices did I have? Do I listen to her about talking it out and trying together to set things to her? No! I could not do that. How many times had I done that? Given in to her demands of talking out the feelings and how many times had it backfired on me when the situation had threatened to turn uglier because she took exception at some of the things I talked about. First of all it would be so difficult for me to talk. To tell her what exactly was bothering me. On top of that when she would get defensive and/or offensive I just started to shut down. No longer would I tell her what was bothering me. Talking unfortunately was not the solution. So what was? and more importantly was there a solution?

The other choice I had was ofcourse taking a more dangerous approach. Maybe stay away from each other for a while. Recuperate and then start over all again. I shook my head. Who was I kidding to think that some time apart would have some effect on our respective personalities. When two people cannot live together because they are poles apart how can some time away from each other change that? What will happen in that living apart period of a few weeks or months that years of togetherness spoilt slowly but steadily. And who would decide what was the time period? I could just imagine the both of us dragging our feets for the rest of our lives. Not wanting to make the first move. Not wanting to hurt the person and not being able to get over your own hurt. Further trapped in the quandary. So I stopped thinking over that route. If there was an end it had to come swiftly. No use dragging the damn thing and managing to torture oneself almost to death.

Love. The word that was such a mystery. The word I could not wait to discover. The word I thought I knew when I said I love you to her for the first time. 31st May 1:32 pm. My mouth had dried up. Everything around me was a blur except her face looked at me half in expectation and half with what seemed like fright.

"I think I need another drink of water..."
"Not again!" she said rolling her eyes.
"Boy! This is difficult..." I swallowed hard.
"Not to mention not fair at all..."
"What is not fair?" she asked her facial expression down to one full emotion - exasperation.
"The expectation to make the first move..."
She laughed. I looked at her. An indulgent laugh. A 'I know you so well - but I can't believe what I know kind' of laugh. A 'what are you scared of?' kind of laugh. A 'don't you already know how much I love you' kind of laugh.

"I love you..." I blurted out.

She stopped laughing. Looked into my eyes silently. Again the doubts took over. Again the breathing became difficult. I don't know what I must've looked like because she burst out laughing again.

"Well, I think you would be doing me a great favor by not laughing at me for a second..." I said.

"I can't" she said.."I am too happy not to laugh. I am in love.."

Love. The basis for all the things that we were going through and gone through. The painful staying apart from each other period, the trying to convince parents without much luck period, the almost giving up on each other period, the cannot live without each other period, the threatening parents period, the meeting on the sly period, the signs of parents giving in period, the planning to make everything smooth period, the everything falling in place finally period, the waiting to be together period, the illusion of living a life happily ever after period, the after marriage ecastasy one day and misery the next day adjustment period, the we have adjusted well period, the we might not have adjusted well after all period, the ofcourse we have adjusted period and now do we even belong together period.

The good, the bad and the ugly periods have made me question the concept of love. I have questioned myself time and again. Does it exist? Is there something called love that can assure you 100% that it is enough to carry you through the rest of your life with this one person whom you feel you are in love with? Can any emotion be that powerful that it can overcome all the odds stacked against leading a happily ever after life? I could understand the struggles, the compromises and the problems that arise from two different individuals from two entirely different enironments. What I could not understand was love quietly slipping away as we made these adjustments and one fine day you find yourself standing naked, stripped off it and you did not even realize it was leaving. You refuse to believe that it has happened. You just go on too ignoring what's staring in your face too long. You do not want to think about it. So you don't. In fact you convince yourself of the contrary. You love her. You really love her. How can you not? You promised to love her all your life, didn't you? To her and most importantly to yourself. So how could this happen? No, it cannot happen and will NOT happen. I shall not let it happen. I love her, I love her, I love her.

I look at her across the room. Nothing happens. She looks at me. Nothing happens again. We both look away. Both of us refusing to acknowledge of what really is happening!

Love? Where did it go?
Twas supposed to be right here,
but a void is all I can find,
where it was supposed to have once existed.
Love - where did it go?

(...to be continued)
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